Category Archives: Personal

Layouting All the Feelings

The most awaited part of my life has finally arrived — and that’s to have a job. Yes! I’m already out from the unemployed margin and very eager to embrace the ’employed’ status.

To get a few detail on my career: I’m hired as a layout designer in a publishing house called Xlibris. Out of line with my course, BS Computer Engineering, I decided to bet my future here since it’s what I like the most — photoshopping images and layouting for books/magazine.

Actually, I like to be a graphic artist (and or a photographer) but since I only had a self study on Adobe Photoshop, I’m not quite that confident that I’ll be able to get the position. And so, to iron out my plan, I applied for layout designer instead. Well, lucky and blessed me, I got the job!

Now, how do I layout myself to these new environment.

At first, I was happy that I’ll no longer get my ass in pain sitting at home doing nothing. I’m happy that I’ll be able to self-support myself from financial needs, also, at least there’s something I can provide for my family (I’m still single). Happy, happy, happy. But not pretty much.

And then, one day, in a conversation with a stranger somewhere between me and completing my requirements, a feeling struck me. Was it envy? Or disappointment? Fear of being alone, or uncertain? For that one question hit a nerve: Do you think your course was much needed in your job? I defensively replied: I don’t like my course anyway. But deep inside me, I think I’m lying.

I have a friend and we both don’t like our course. But I’m good at it while she’s just coping up. Here I am, the most likely to land a job in an computer-related industry yet chose to settle in a different path. And she, tried her best to get a computer engineering job.

Now, it frustrates me if I have made the right decision.

In the first place, I kept avoiding heavy programming job or tight engineering positions for that main reason — it’s not where my heart is. So why am I having this dilemma over what career path to make?

Fear. Yes, I think that word can live through it for months or years. I fear that I wont be able to grow. I fear that it might be a wrong decision to make. And I fear being left behind by my batch mates. Seeing them a professional engineers while me otherwise. Now, I’m starting to get sad. 😦

But for more reasons to fear, I only have one ammunition to make it out from this hellish dilemma: my job is a blessing. I asked for it, and He gave it to me. Just as I always say, past is no place to live. And the only thing to make my way out from a thick dense of jungle of fear is to start making a very nice path from where I am.

And this is how I’ll layout my work: A huge marquee of NURTURE on top, three-columns of ENJOYMENT, HAPPINESS, and CONTENTMENT, an inlet image of LOVE on the center, a footer of PASSION and DISCOVERY and footnotes of NO REGRETS.


No One Fears It Anymore

“Die now, die tomorrow, the same death.” I heard this one from a woman in her middle age, eating a bunch full of sweets. I learned she was warned not to eat too much since it’ll be bad for her diabetes. And there goes her reply.

What difference does it have if I die today or tomorrow? Well, there’s time, chances, hope, opportunity, there’s a lot of difference. Long ago, Mr. Death is someone people are trying to avoid with, and perhaps, maybe up till now. But from the scenes I’ve seen, I don’t think Mr. Death’s costume is horrible anymore.

Dying is great for those individuals who lose the sense to live or desperate for an instant escape or those who quite think they’d already served their purpose. Even youngster nowadays are defying death through living up to excessive use of almost everything. Death is part of life, it’s inevitable. And yes, therefore, it’s not something we should fear about but it’s also not something we should be inviting.

Life isn’t short, I agree. But people find it short for when time is almost up, they still haven’t done the things they wanted to do. I for once thought dying would be scary but when I started living to the things of what I wanted, death becomes a soft blow of cold air in the night. There’s something out there, at the end of journey. It must keep going on, I know. Once something begins to exist, then it will exist forever. That’s what I always think. So since I’m here, you’re here then end is no longer we should fear about. What I feared now is when I would fail to do what I want.  Night wont stop at the middle of the sky, sooner, it will go down and day goes high again. If my night comes, then I’ll stare at it for one more time. And for one last time, I’ll draw everything I did during the day. Then I’ll sleep back tight, and will wake up. It will continue again and again again. See, it won’t end. 🙂

My Humble Pride

With all the billion possibility of being born elsewhere, it is here in Cebu He find me pride.

Cebu, the Queen City of the South. I don’t know why they call it that some say, it is because of our so many beautiful beaches. Yeah, we have plenty of those since Cebu is a long island. Cebu is the first (and oldest) city in the Philippines. Cebuanos are very talented, intelligent and flexible. Christianity in the Phils. first started also in here. Cebuanos are the most difficult audience to please (in the Phils.). Cebuanos are welcoming. These are just the things amongst the reason why I love being a Cebuano. And to add a little more, we find it so blessed by the Divine Grace. Cebu is the home of Sto. Niño, the miracle boy Jesus.

Mindanao, the part below Cebu, was the home base of a terrorist organization. And gun wars is something you’ll get used to somehow if you live there. And Luzon, the part above Visayas, is the weather basket of the country. They’re the first one to get hit by heavy storms. Meanwhile, Visayas, where Cebu is located, is well very blessed enough with good weather, booming industry and good citizens.

Moving on, what I’m looking forward to is the new SM Seaside City. It’s not the biggest SM though in the whole Philippines but it’s their vision that excites me.

SM Seaside City Cebu will be a 4-level, circular-shaped, world-class retail mall with multiple anchors, including a two-storey SM Department Store and SM Hypermart, a 5-theater Cineplex and IMAX Theatre, an 18-lane SM Bowling and Amusement Center, and a food court flanking an ice skating rink. In addition, the mall will have over 800 food and retail shops, including international brands. Nah, it’ll probably be just another mall. hehehe But I love the idea though.

Looks promising right? 🙂

My Surreal Movie

One of my weirdest movie — and to think I didn’t make it myself but the subconsciousness of my brain did. Yeah, a dream, one of my continuous movie-like dream. And hey, I’m one of the lead stars too. From since long ago, I’ve studied dreams, not that I take lessons for it but contemplate on what it supposed to mean. Dreams are unfinished thoughts, so when I dream of something suspicious I traced back the day what my activities are. And fortunately, some of which are plausible and some are yeah, unfinished enough. But there are some I really can’t dig it out. Well, dreams are just one of those that we barely can understand.

Anyway, I wanna share my dream. This is not the first, that I have a continuous movie-like dream. And by movie-like, I mean there’s a connection of events with plot, climax, story but I haven’t gone through to the resolution (my subconsciousness tells me that there’s a part 2. hehehe).

It started with me and a friend of mine walking up a hill adorned by gardens and benches. This is the entrance and exit to our school. It was the most beautiful entrance I’ve seen by far: the garden had the most rarest flowers grown, marble benches with overhead covers ran along the side, students chatting and laughing — groups and groups of them. At that time we were going back to our homes. The sky was bluer and looks closer than it appears, with fluffy white clouds sailing along the cool wind. No one ever thought of what lies ahead, everyone just felt the surreal feeling not until everyone was looking at the sky.

A commotion? Not likely, we joined the sky gazing and saw a half-moon-like image. It really looked like a half full moon. But with a gyrating glow around its edges. We kept on walking while observing it: the people then to the sky then to the path we’re going. We reached the city and the white plate on the sky was still visible. Until, it suddenly shoot laser fireball or something. It shoot rapidly which made us ran and took cover. Now people started to run for their lives. It obliterated almost it comes to see in its path.

We hide behind a huge building where a canal of mud was seen. Then an idea hit me, if we cover ourselves with mud then there would be less possibility we’d be identified by the aliens. We were not the only ones who swam the thick black mud, some had followed too. And, what am I thinking, it didn’t worked. By the looks of the situation, I know this is some alien invasion. The only thing that comes into my mind was to dwell somewhere underground.

Traffic was jamming the road. We need to open just one manhole to get underground. And then it hit — a wave of thin light highlighted the road. The next thing we saw, not a single car left standing. Anyhow, I feel responsible to make my friend live, is as if I’m liable for his life. So my aim is to get us underground. We were waiting for a right time, many were dead shot on the road. Smokes obscured the sky and it’s starting to get dark.

I managed to get a metal stick to open a manhole. And just when I was ready for it, something huge move behind the house. I couldn’t see it since we where somewhere in front of it. Desperate for a shelter, we wrecked open the wooden wall which later we found out leads to its basement. We throw ourselves in, there were others too. There was a small drainage but it was too small for a human to fit. And there’s no way we can dig it out down to the drainage system. I looked outside and saw a woman running towards our direction. Maybe she wanted to join us too. But as when he reached halfway, her eyes were filled with terror. The earth quaked! I searched my friend inside, he’s okay. I looked back at the woman and blood started to rain on her face. Then guts of human flesh started to follow — brains, eyeballs, kidneys, all sorts of human interior fell everywhere. Now this is insane!

There’s no time left, I have to get us down. I grabbed my friend and stepped out from the basement. But just then we reached outside, a green huge amoeba-like with mouth bigger than but had similarity with a crocodile breaks loose behind the basement’s floor. It torn apart human bodies and ate them? I don’t know, I didn’t look back. And now, the only thing we hoped for surviving isn’t as good as we’d thought. This things goes underground too!

Now there are only five of us left, we run to our dear lives and found a storage house. Everyone went in and disappeared up to the staircase. I close the door to make sure we wont get followed. But just as I was to get up, two humans grabbed one of my companions and dragged her down to a staircase leading to the basement. She was screaming hard, pleading to spare her life. But the two seems cold unable to give emotions. I know they’re not who they are. Their eyes were fixed and swelling out, and weird, they grin. I eavesdropped one of them asking, ‘is she the diamond?’ ‘No, she’s not!’ ‘Then kill her!’ Then her scream fade to nothingness.

What? A diamond? I ran upstairs and found a party with a bunch of them. They look normal, not that their faces look normal, but they acted normal. Only zombie-ish! My friend was nowhere to be found. Then I saw someone familiar, the boy who ran with us. I sneaked close, pulled him and locked ourselves inside a closed room. He’s different, he seems unaffected. What’s going on? I asked. You should probably join us, he said, since the diamond is already been taken to mother. What? What is this diamond? Then until I realized, isn’t my friend they’re referring to? Yeah, he might be since he’s the only one I couldn’t find. Now it makes sense why I felt so obliged to protect my friend. He might be now sacrificed or something. I have to find him and get him back. But would it be too late when they’ve already crushed the door in half? I quickly searched for a way out and found a small ventilation fan. He jumped towards me and somehow I managed to shove him towards the angry mob. Then hastened my way out through the fan.

I fell down outside, but it wasn’t a hard fall. I begun to see people, walking limply as if the aliens had all gone. Yes, they were all gone but I don’t think they’re not the one who’s inside these lifeless moving individuals. No point asking help from these people and I walked away getting myself out of trouble. A woman covered her face with a veil walked cross my path. She seemed suspicious. I followed her down to an empty street which leads to an old house. I didn’t know why but I yelled for her to stop, but she continued. I quickened my pace until I was about to grabbed her shoulder and she whispered enough for me to hear, just walk if you wanna live. So I stopped and just followed her.

Then, we stopped inside her house where another two women waited. They were emotionless. Then and there they enlightened me about my friend being the diamond. The humans were now just a costume to the horrid looks of these foreign race. Blank face and grin are the only two emotions these aliens shows, other than that will be considered real human which will be gutted out. The mother will come three days later for the sacrificial ceremony of my friend, and if I wanted to save him I have to plan it well.

Then I woke up. It was now 7:30 in the morning, and I wanted the show to go on. Damn it! See, my brain showed me a very intriguing storyline. A diamond? My friend was the diamond? Gutted out humans? There was still a story behind it but sadly I woke up. I hope it will be continued. But less likely to happen. Another amazing dream. Sorry, did I just bored you? I watched this video a week ago, would it be the one responsible for my bizarre dream? Try watching it for yourself!

Kiss Me Goodbye

This is one of my blog entry 5 years ago, which was written under my pen name: Sandy Alexis. What inspires me to write this is because of that song Kiss Me Good-bye, though I don’t quite understand since it’s in foreign language, the soft, eerie music moves me so. (see below)

I was standing at the balcony looking at the distant vivid pasture. I felt home, I felt peace, and I wonder if the pasture gazed back knowing how happy I am – to be with him. The morning air breezed, the sun warmed and suddenly a smooth palm lay on top of my hand. I looked over to my side and saw his radiant smile. I saw his eyes full of love. Then he wrapped his arms around me from behind. He’s been my guardian, my friend, a defendant, my love. I closed my eyes and felt even more the elements that joined us – his presence especially. I realized my senses were at their peak when I’m with him. I could smile beyond the sense of touch, I’m seeing love beyond my eyes can perceive, I could hear his heartbeat beyond my ears can hear, and I’m wondering how can I live without him. He is my everything – the avid reader of my life, in every chapter and in every page.

And then he withdrew his arms. A trace of sadness was seen on my face. He had to go, this day would come and I’m hoping he’ll come back home with me. But it seemed the sky knew better of love, it suddenly turned gray and loosed a downpour. And now I’m looking through the window with my tears drifting fast. This is unacceptable. Why do we end up this way? When everything runs in perfect shades of color, darkness will always be in the corner, waiting. With another drop of my tear, I lost him. I didn’t cry hard for we didn’t last, I cry hard for there will never be as great as his love and my love.

He died, the pain was so real. But I had to bury him and along the three-fourth of my memory. How, how can I forget that radiant smile, that eyes full of love and lips that could utter me whole? I lay on my bed unnoticing if it was soft or fluffy. The pain followed by a deathly numb, and I’m ready for what agony comes next. Every time I looked at the sky, a tear will always draw a line. How I missed him, the moments he pulled the heavy emotions in me, lighted my day, and even completed it.

I was once again at the balcony, the wind was telling to move on, write the next chapters. Even if I wanted to, there will be no one who’s avid enough to read it through. I’m writing for whom? Sorry but I can’t help it, tears will always fall irrepressibly. I closed my eyes and recalled that very last day. I remembered, after he withdrew his arms, he kissed me, hugged me so tight and for the very last. I opened my eyes and again dew-like water fell, but this time it wasn’t for the pains but instead, of a love so true that he didn’t leave with all my stories. He left me a kiss, enough for me to believe that he didn’t leave for love is over. He left me a kiss, for he knew I would come to this agonizing part, and one kiss is all I need to awaken all my senses. You kissed me good-bye and I’ll always remember you for your true love.

Tragic Comedy

Some of us might easily grasp the idea of how tragedy and comedy goes well along. But for me, I think different.

This happened during summer, particularly on a Black Saturday where Christian belief that Christ’s body is laid down on a tomb. Holy Week is no merry making or heavy outdoor fun activity for some. It is a week for repentance and going out seeking adventure would be a very bad idea. Wonder why? Because Jesus Christ is nowhere else but dead. At first, I find it funny since Jesus Christ is everywhere though it’s a season where he was dead. It’s just a symbolism that being born human like us, he’ll die but then get resurrected.

But that happening made me took another step to be careful during holy week. It was Saturday and the entire family is going out on a beach holiday. The sun was warm, the air breathe chilly, barbecue smells everywhere, no one can think of something wrong. We were early to enjoy the longer day and head back home early too. And soon, the pristine beach was slowly filled with humans. I was on our cottage playing cards when all of a sudden, a thick crowd emerge at the coast. Then, a police vehicle arrived and the family beside our cottage went frantic. We stopped and stick our heads to the intriguing commotion. Not later, we saw a dead body being carried to the car. The old lady was crying, some girls (might be relatives) were sobbing. We learned after that the man was gone for two hours now.

Can we still continue the fun? There and then, I hear people warn about going out, don’t play too hard, and just get extra cautions. Funny how most things happened out of coincidence but that much coincidence? I don’t think so. Well, even if it’s Holy Week or not, it pays greatly to be a little cautious.

They Glitter, They’re Beautiful… I Bet They’re Expensive.

I mentioned in my past accounts of life that I when it comes to the field of study I took, it did give me a little more frustrations.

But the past will now be a past, and moving on will always be my present. No more dwelling on regrets but make the best of now.

I once had chit chat with a friend of how my five years of study almost becomes an empty road. But we concluded in the end, things will never be too late. There is still time to chase our dreams. I, for once, wanted to be a photographer — into graphics and media arts. I want to capture the world, especially these days people are moving quicker than the earth’s rotation. Through my photography, I’ll be able to capture moving sceneries into still pictures that people will stop and see, realize that the most beautiful things are those small details we fail to see everyday.

And I, for once, wants to touch and or inspire others to make the best out of their lives. But here again comes a wall of separation — that eerie, misty wall that separates dreams from reality. Dreams dazzles me like a flicker of light that my soul wants to follow. They glitter, they’re beautiful, and dreams, I bet they’re expensive. Yes, they are indeed. Now, I’m again tuned into less dependent with time. There’s nothing much I can do yet to realize them. But there’s everything less I can still do, and that’s slowly building, bits by bits, the foundations of my visions.

Not practicing my profession would sound insane, but no matter what, if my heart’s not there I’ll continue to move where it’ll find its place. Soon, not later, I’ll catch up with my dreams, running hand in hand and live a fulfilling life. 🙂

Summer Kites

Can hardly recall when was the last time I flew kites. But there’s one thing I can remember, it was summer and I was having fun.

Nowadays, when childhood has abandoned me and growing up seems to stand in my way, it is difficult to find a little time for fun this summer time. I can still feel that cool summer air rushing against my kite, then mixed with the tender warm of the sky, everything was truly a moment to remember. Life as a kid will always be a free-willing fun, no complexity about life and nothing to worry about. Why wouldn’t it last.

Flying a kite taught me a lot of things. You have to learn how the wind moves to bend nicely along the current. Don’t fly far away from the rest or you might snap loose your thread. Fly close where your colors can be seen but don’t forget to soar. And never ever forget to enjoy while summer air has come to visit. They might look like superficial fun to some kids but as you look close to your kite, it shows something much more to the materials it was made. We fly for not just what we are but, in most likely cases, we fly for who we are.

I wish I could fly some kite someday, soon. Life is a few like flying, we come down to rest but sometimes we fly to see everything what we are and who we are.

Taken Away

I’m a dog person. And, for me, having a dog is like having the best-est friend in the world. But as of now, I seclude myself from having one. Maybe sometime in the future.

I had dogs before but they just come and go. The oldest one I’ve had was Honey. She was born way before I do exist in this world. And she died due to old age. I can still remember that day, she slept and didn’t wake up. The last dog we acquired was way 2 years ago. And sadly, they were taken away — both by force and by time.

I remember how happy I was when we have them. Here in the Philippines, dogs were just treated like animals. But not with me. I treat them like I treated myself. There were two of them, I named one Cookie and the other Totskie. Totskie is thin and pretty playful while Cookie is fat and way playful than Totskie. Dogs will be dogs, biting to something, run around the house. I like watching them having fun, and I also joined their teasing too. Not all the people in our house loves the dogs as much as I do. I think I’m the only one who feeds them, looks after them during nightfall, and takes them to what they least like — bathing.

But there’s this event that changed all that. After we got home from a family out. We found mom’s robe being torn down — we don’t know who did it but the suspects were either the two dogs. They got very angry that they ordered Totskie to be killed. The moment I heard it, I got very sad. I don’t know what to do.

And from that day on, any moment now, someone will come to our house and kill Totskie. All I did was to rub Totskie stomach and it made him fell sleepy, or at peace, or at home. I gave all the love I can give for I know what’ll comes next. Two days had passed, but no one came. I hope they forgot all about that. But to my surprise, someone came bringing a wire string. I ran to the bathroom and cover my ears, banging my head to the wall, and rumbling so as not to hear the dog’s whimpering. He strangled him to death. Beyond our concrete walls, I can hear Cookie whimpering, crying over his playmate’s death. I cried my eyes out there hoping I could do something, yes, there was something I can do. But I was afraid to do it.

Days after that, I haven’t seen Cookie running around the ground. And I learned that it got sick, very sick. This was not the first time it got sick terribly like it’s gonna die. During his first sickness, Cookie wasn’t able to eat or drink, and it can hardly open its eyes or walk. But I always visit him, rubbed his back urging him to live. I pushed him to eat a little or drink a little. And, fortunately, Cookie gained back his strength. But this second time around, Cookie didn’t make it.

It made me thinking, it’s my presence and love that made him see to survive the first. And not the food or water. Because during the second time, I wasn’t able to comfort him for he can hardly be found. The two puppies now are playing happily, I guess, in their land where hunger doesn’t exist and love is ample. I miss them now. I know it’s very difficult to gain affection and being unwanted or unloved is the most sickening feeling one can get, even though they’re animals, they have emotions too. ‘Till the end, I didn’t regret loving them. We will see each other soon Cookie and Totskie, just wait for me, I miss you already. :’)

The Start of My Frustrations

Made me 21 years older to realize I’m in the road to frustrations. Now, I’m beginning to see it clearly the path I’m taken.

I took up Computer Engineering course since I love how technology evolves quickly that being left behind would seem impossible to happen. Riding off to this fast-phased industry, and upgrading every six months, how’s that would make you lagging.

But I realized just now that just because you love technology and gadgetry it doesn’t mean you have to get into a computer engineering course. It’s the technology and/or the gadget you love, and not the principles or concepts or algorithms that are being used in that technology. All I need to get myself into is something that will become lucrative enough for me to buy all those things. Passion is the right word. When I have a passion for something, then it will enlighten me to the right course I’ll be taking.

The idea of computer and engineering clouded me. It deceives me more to the idea that I can create my own gadget. Yes, computer engineering is responsible for that. But then again, it’s not the principles that I’m after, rather it’s the output product.

Boy, what am I getting myself into. Anyhow, I still managed to get into the dean’s lister’s list. But it only consumes about ten percent in the entirety of my stay in college that I, somehow, see to love my course.

My road to frustration has already started before I even know it (and that happened five or six years ago!). Even how good you’re at something, if your heart doesn’t belongs to it eventually you’ll move somewhere where it finds satisfaction. If only someone had told me that before when I was younger, then would I still be the man I am today? arrrrggghhh!! It so frustrates me to learn that giving respect and dignity to my course wouldn’t mean it’ll eventually works its powers. I don’t know what or how to preserve it to make me appreciate of what I have. Do I have to lose it before I can say I had it?

Time waits for no one, and so as life continues. There’s nothing I can do about that now, but I hope there’s something I can do for what lies ahead. After all, you can’t tell it started when there’s no end to speak off.