I’m Tired…At Last

This story is not new, I bet you’ve already heard it a few times — he loved her but then they’re happy with each other and so he forget all about his feelings and tried to keep his distance and so on and so forth. But how about, he stayed, fight back his feelings and tried forgetting all about her. How’s that for a change?

It did happened to me. Just lately I realized it’s been two years now since I decided not to just walk away from that person and forget everything about it.

I stayed with them which was the hardest part. It was helpless and even the entire cosmos wouldn’t agree either so why fight for the win when it’s only in dreams to win.

Once upon a time, I already had a secret crush on her the moment I laid upon my eyes. It was just a mere appreciation if strictly talking outside the pretext of love. But then slowly I noticed, I gave her a different treatment from the rest. If I was hostile and rough on others, I wasn’t when it comes to her. Yeah, just the natural way of having a crush. I always tried stealing a glimpse on her, throw out some corny jokes and somehow make her feel I like her.

I remember borrowing her black rubber bracelet which then turned out asking it. She didn’t agreed at first but I kept on budging until it stayed permanently in my wrist. I always feel she was holding my wrist. I ate with it, slept with it, and even bathe with it. Until one day…

…someone came unforeseen.

I didn’t see it coming, they were classmates — we were classmates. They became friends and then my nightmare begins. The next thing we know, they were with each other. It wasn’t hard (denial!) seeing them happy with each other. I can even paint a good genuine smile in front of them too. If I go away what good that does make me or them. So I keep my heart silence for two years.

How does it feel when you’d come across a funny joke and the first one she throws her laughter with is him? How does it feel when she treats him like King and you like the joker? How does it feel when the only shoulders she can lean on is him? How does it feel? Nothing, ‘coz you are not him — I am not him, the one she loves.

The tight grip on my wrist gradually worn off. I don’t want to take it off but what’s the point when it will just leave a mark and no good can happen which I know very well. Hanging around with them makes no difference as going away, that’s what I always thought. But until then I became tired on how it continuously makes me feel sick.

At last, the feeling of being constantly stabbed yet still alive dawned on me that love isn’t the one that suffocates me. But rather it’s the feeling of not being happy for them. She is happy, I may or may not make her happier now but that’s enough. Going away might just dig me up deep whilst staying shed some light on me.

Now, the bracelet was long lost. Maybe because it wasn’t love, it was just a mere appreciation. And after all, one bracelet wouldn’t be able to symbolize the two friends I have now.