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Layouting All the Feelings

The most awaited part of my life has finally arrived — and that’s to have a job. Yes! I’m already out from the unemployed margin and very eager to embrace the ’employed’ status.

To get a few detail on my career: I’m hired as a layout designer in a publishing house called Xlibris. Out of line with my course, BS Computer Engineering, I decided to bet my future here since it’s what I like the most — photoshopping images and layouting for books/magazine.

Actually, I like to be a graphic artist (and or a photographer) but since I only had a self study on Adobe Photoshop, I’m not quite that confident that I’ll be able to get the position. And so, to iron out my plan, I applied for layout designer instead. Well, lucky and blessed me, I got the job!

Now, how do I layout myself to these new environment.

At first, I was happy that I’ll no longer get my ass in pain sitting at home doing nothing. I’m happy that I’ll be able to self-support myself from financial needs, also, at least there’s something I can provide for my family (I’m still single). Happy, happy, happy. But not pretty much.

And then, one day, in a conversation with a stranger somewhere between me and completing my requirements, a feeling struck me. Was it envy? Or disappointment? Fear of being alone, or uncertain? For that one question hit a nerve: Do you think your course was much needed in your job? I defensively replied: I don’t like my course anyway. But deep inside me, I think I’m lying.

I have a friend and we both don’t like our course. But I’m good at it while she’s just coping up. Here I am, the most likely to land a job in an computer-related industry yet chose to settle in a different path. And she, tried her best to get a computer engineering job.

Now, it frustrates me if I have made the right decision.

In the first place, I kept avoiding heavy programming job or tight engineering positions for that main reason — it’s not where my heart is. So why am I having this dilemma over what career path to make?

Fear. Yes, I think that word can live through it for months or years. I fear that I wont be able to grow. I fear that it might be a wrong decision to make. And I fear being left behind by my batch mates. Seeing them a professional engineers while me otherwise. Now, I’m starting to get sad. 😦

But for more reasons to fear, I only have one ammunition to make it out from this hellish dilemma: my job is a blessing. I asked for it, and He gave it to me. Just as I always say, past is no place to live. And the only thing to make my way out from a thick dense of jungle of fear is to start making a very nice path from where I am.

And this is how I’ll layout my work: A huge marquee of NURTURE on top, three-columns of ENJOYMENT, HAPPINESS, and CONTENTMENT, an inlet image of LOVE on the center, a footer of PASSION and DISCOVERY and footnotes of NO REGRETS.